Pain In The Process

When Lucy was about two months old she started rolling over. Only occasionally and only tummy to back, but she was making progress and beginning to roll over. Sometimes she could roll with ease, other times it took much concentration, and other times she did not succeed. The times she struggled to roll over were heartbreaking for me. She is Christian and my first baby and everything is new to us. Maybe it’s because Lucy has THE saddest sad face on the planet, or just because she’s my baby, but watching her struggle and cry made me want to jump up and swoop her into my arms. I especially felt this way when she would make eye contact with me and wail, as if to say, “Mommy, why won’t you help me.”

The answer is (or at least should be) obvious. From time to time I would help her, but for the most part, I tried to let her roll over on her own. Despite her cries and frustration, I knew, if I came to her “rescue” and didn’t allow her to struggle, she would never learn to roll over, sit up, crawl, walk or run. Or at least she would be severely delayed if she never truly HAD to learn to do any of those things. One day when Lucy was attempting to roll over I saw what I think God sees when he watches us struggle.

Sometimes I ask God, “I know you can take this from me, so why won’t you?” God and I both know He can swoop in at any moment and take away any struggle, confusion, and pain. After struggling for what I think is long enough, I start finding things to blame, spiritual warfare or something I did wrong, the list is endless. There are times when we reap what we sow, there are times when spiritual warfare is at play, but I am learning there are also times when life just happens. Even though I may feel abandoned and frustrated like Lucy trying to roll over, God is trying to use whatever it is I am going through so I can learn and grow stronger.

Just like real infants like Lucy, we start out as infants in our faith. Every month, everything Lucy knows is changing. All of this change can be over stimulating and overwhelming at times, but she is learning, growing, and changing. Not only that, but as everything she knows is getting turned upside down, she is gaining a new perspective. Things look different when you lay on your stomach then when you lay on your back. Things look and sound different when you sit up in a high chair and watch everything move around you then when you lay on your back in the pack n play across the room.

Not only is Lucy learning and gaining a different perspective but so can we. This past year has been a year of constant financial curveballs. Everything I thought I knew about finances has changed. My “end-all, cure-all” philosophy of finances did not save us. But this season did give me a different perspective and softened my heart. Learning to receive from others was not a peaceful transition for me but was literally learned through the desperate need to keep a literal roof over our heads.

My complete trust and surrender to Jesus was not obtained through a nice prayer but because I literally had no other options. I am better now because of it, but at the time it was not pretty. There was a constant need to humble myself before the Lord and worship him because he is worthy of my praise, not so I could get something from him.

I am a huge believer in speaking life and standing in bold, confident faith, but there have been times in this past season that I had to lay it all out in front of God, nothing hidden, no agenda or conditions, and say all I am is yours, have your way, and I will still love you no matter what. There were times I needed to choose not to be a victim and to choose Jesus over understanding why I was going through something or he was not taking something painful from me.

My faith is not perfect. I will never have all the answers or pretend to have all the answers, but for me, the seasons with struggle have led to the most strength. So, if you are in a season of pain, struggle, or even just confusion, I do not diminish your pain and am very, very sorry. However, I hope you can come back to Jesus day after day. I hope you can lay everything before his feet and worship him for who he is, and watch him turn around your struggle for good.