Hey, Mama. I see you with your spit up stained clothes, greasy unwashed hair, hanging on by a thread wondering if your baby will ever sleep more than 30 minutes at a time. I see you grieving over the way your labor, delivery, and fourth trimester played out and then shaming yourself since “at least your baby is healthy” or “so-and-so had it so much worse.” I see you contemplating if you have postpartum anxiety (PPA) or depression (PPD) or if you just need to try harder and pull it together. I see you, Mama. You carry a lot but it’s going to be okay.
If you had told me before I had Lucy that I would have the vaginal birth I wanted and Lucy wouldn’t come early/end up in the NICU (I had prodromal labor but we didn’t know it at the time and thought Lucy might be coming at 30 weeks and later at 34 weeks), I would have been so relieved. Smooth sailing right?
While so many things went right with Lucy’s birth and my recovery, there were still things that did not. In a nutshell, I labored for about 30 hours, 16 of which were backlabor before agreeing to an epidural. The epidural took care of the back labor but I could still feel my contractions in the front so I got zero rest. After some Pitocin and accompanied with a second degree tear, Lucy was born. My recovery was much harder than I expected since “it was only a second degree tear”, “at least we were healthy,” “I caved and got an epidural,” and “my baby won’t stop screaming but at least I have a baby; I know so many who have struggled with infertility and loss.” I was surprised to find myself with PPD a few months postpartum. I’d dealt with mental illness before and honestly thought I could think and pray my way out of it because “my life wasn’t that bad.”
In case you can’t tell, I had a tendency to get stuck in the comparison trap. Unfortunately, the comparison trap doesn’t heal your heart, doesn’t undo trauma, and doesn’t make you more grateful. It only breeds guilt and shame and the idea you’re not good enough or trying hard enough. Mama’s have told me in the past and now I find myself telling others: “Everyone’s experience is relative.” Your feelings are valid and that does not make you ungrateful. It is okay to not be okay with any part of your pregnancy, labor, delivery, and fourth trimester.
Also, I would never tell a friend she “caved” for needing an epidural, a c-section, meds, or counseling to work through her feelings about her experience. If I would never be so cruel to a friend, why would I say those things to myself? Negative self talk and the comparison trap will not make you whole, in fact it will successfully accomplish the opposite.
Before having Lucy, people would tell me “becoming a mom will change your life “and be “the hardest thing you ever do.” I always thought “well, duh,” but I had no idea. Having a 14 month old doesn’t make me an expert but trust me, I know, being a mom IS the hardest thing I have done or will ever do.
So don’t downplay your feelings, but also don’t get lost in the idea that this is your life now and things will never get better. I won’t tell you “it goes so fast, soak up every minute” of your bleeding nipples, unruly hormones, and baby that won’t stop screaming, but do know, none of the things you are experiencing in this first year (or beyond) is permanent. Things will get better. It will be okay. You will get through whatever obstacle you are currently going through and will wake up one day and realize you have a toddler who eats meals with you (aka no bottles or boobies), insists on doing things themselves, and despite the lack of coordination, attempts to out run you.
And if you need a little help along the way, whether its extra help from family and friends to lighten your load, medication to get you through PPD or some counseling to help you process all you’ve been through and are currently going through, there is no shame in that. You are no less than any other mother and asking for and accepting help will actually make you better mama.
I see you Mama, and it’s going to be okay.
Photo Credit: Blue Ivy Photography