Responding to {our} Loss

It seems like I’m always getting the question, “What is something that seemed to help when Eleanor died?” Almost as often I’ll be asked, “What wasn’t helpful? How should I respond to loss?” So here are some of my answers to these questions.

Please remember everyone is different and responds to grief differently. The things that helped me might not help other people so please use caution and grace when moving forward with someone who is grieving through a loss. Use what you know about that person to help you assess if my points would apply to them.

Helpful

1. Use baby’s name out loud

When people use your baby’s name out loud, it validates that your baby existed. It validates that you are a mom and you lost something precious to you. I love when other people hear us talk about Eleanor and assume she is living, even though she is in heaven. It makes me feel like she’s not forgotten and that she is still present. She is very much still present in my mind every day so why wouldn’t I want to talk about her?

2. Be there for your friend

I had many dear friends do this for me in very different ways. My best friend from back home dropped everything and came down to stay with us when everything happened. I know what Jaime did is something not everyone can do but do what you can. Let your friend know that you are willing and able to be there whenever they need to talk because that is very helpful.

3. Sit there and listen…. but actually listen

Christie is one of my best friends now and we hardly even knew each other 6 months ago, when Eleanor died. We hadn’t talked much before but she came over a couple days after we got home from the hospital to bring me a gift from her connection group. When she sat on the couch and listened to me tell my story it meant a lot to me. I could tell she was actually listening because she would ask me questions that showed she was listening. This has been one of the most helpful things for me while going through my healing process. She still is a great listener and will let me just talk. (Even if I repeat myself a million times, she never seems to mind).

4. Think about how you could be helpful

It is really hard for me to accept help from people because I feel like I can do it myself, but losing Eleanor made it hard for me to do anything for myself. One of my great friends, Rachel, was at the hospital with us and she helped plan Eleanor’s funeral {and did everything for us}. So helpful!!! When you go into Labor & Delivery to have a baby, you don’t think you are going to have to plan a funeral that same day. Another friend came and did chores for me around the house while I recovered from my c-section. People brought us food and cooked for us. People went grocery shopping for us. (SO HELPFUL!!). If you can think of anything big or small you can do to help them through this difficult time, is so helpful.

5. Have Caution {everyone is different}: Let them be around your babies and older children

For me, people letting me hold or help with their babies helped me A LOT!! This is not true for everyone so be careful. For some people, seeing babies is a trigger but being around babies for me helped. I love holding babies, feeding babies, playing with kids and even changing diapers. It has helped my arms to “not feel so empty.” Don’t get me wrong, other people’s babies DO NOT replace Eleanor, but it does help me to heal.

6. Include them in different things “baby”

Sometimes people who have lost babies might not want to go to a baby shower or be involved in all things “baby”. But it is always nice to be asked or given the choice to be included. Just be understanding if your friend does not want to go to the baby shower and know that they are trying to be supportive the best way they can. Baby showers and different baby milestones can be really hard for people who have lost a baby. It just reminds them of the things that they will miss with their baby… things they looked forward to. I am not saying that people who have babies or are pregnant should down play their joy. I do not mean that at all. I think just being aware of how people around you might be feeling is really important.

7. Give them books (I love to read)

There were many books that people gave me to help me through my grief. Two books I found very helpful were:

Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg (click to get on Amazon)

One of my friends got me this devotional and it helped me immensely

Hannah’s Hope by Jennifer Saake (click to get on Amazon)

I got this from the grief group I am going to. It is mostly about infertility, but I gained a lot of truth from it.

And of course, the Bible (click to get on Amazon).

Some people might struggle with reading the Bible after a loss. I had a hard time at first even wanting to open my Bible. Once I did, it gave me so much truth and comfort. So keep graciously offering verses to your friend but do not try to preach at them. God is a big God and can work on their heart.

Not Helpful

1. “God will provide another baby for you.”

This just might not be true. Even though I know people are coming from a place of love and want to help, saying this just doesn’t help. God has a plan for everyone’s life and a child just might not be in my future. (Another post on this topic later). I am learning to trust God and to be content in my circumstances. So please do not give false hope.

2. Not cherishing your children

If you have a living baby or child, love them hard and hug them tight. I know life is chaotic and fast, but please don’t take your kids for granted. I would give anything to have Eleanor in my arms so don’t forget how blessed you are to get to hold yours.

I think the biggest thing you can do for a grieving friend is to just be there and be loving and full of grace. Losing a baby might be the worst thing that ever happens to your friend so just be there and help them grieve.