Planted Not Buried

Can I be real with you for a minute?

I’m kind of in an odd season. A chapter of life I didn’t really see coming.

Shortly after Lucy was born our main support system kind of collapsed. Not in a devastating way. I honestly prayed about it and had peace that God was just calling us all in different directions and the season was over. Then postpartum depression hit. Trying to put myself out there and make “mom friends” for the first time while I was in a dark place and unable to soothe a very fussy baby, I struggled and did not succeed at making any new friends.

When the fog of that was lifting, Lucy and I hit our stride, and I was finally feeling like myself again. Then COVID hit.

Over time, Christians who mentored my faith and marriage dwindled away and close friends who walked along side us moved out of state. I grieved what I once had but had peace and hope for what was to come.

I know change is a healthy part of growing. Growing apart, needing different things, and moving in different directions isn’t always cause for bitterness, blame or bad blood. It is just a part of life. So for a long time, I really believed I wouldn’t be alone in my faith forever.

Recently, one night I was going through a devotional. My faith hasn’t felt as solid and I’ve felt like I can’t hear God so I turned to a devotional instead of my usual prayer time routine.  I came across a part in the book that said “take refreshment in God’s presence”. I bitterly scoffed at the words on the page as if they were mocking me.

“How can I, when I feel no peace when I am with you?” I asked. My own words surprised me. I felt God press me, why would I have no peace when I am with him—the Prince of Peace.

“Because I have been alone for so long,” I thought childishly. That couldn’t be the real problem.

All day that day, a conversation from months prior kept repeating in my head. I chalked it up to my OCD tendencies. It was a memory of a prayer group I attended a while ago. We were praying for someone and I was asked what I heard or saw from the Holy Spirit. “Nothing,” I said, “I’m rusty from being out of community.” Then they asked someone else. “I feel the same as Josey,” she replied. One of the women in the group responded, “I don’t understand that.” It wasn’t said in a superior or judgmental way—merely stating a fact. That’s what had been repeating in my head all day. “I don’t understand that.” “I don’t understand that.” “I don’t understand that.” How could COVID/lack of community NOT impact her ability to hear from God? Then it hit me.

Because with God, we are never truly alone. After remembering this conversation and after searching my heart I finished, “Since I’ve been alone for so long, I feel like you have left me too.” There was the lie.

God’s word says he will never leave us or forsake us [Hebrews 13:5]

Repenting and breaking agreement with the lie, I was reminded that God is not wasteful. He doesn’t allow unpleasant chapters in our story for no reason. The phrase “you’ve been planted not buried” came to mind. Towards the beginning of 2020, I read Bishop T.D. Jake’s “Crushing: God turns Pressure into Power”. He relates the painful seasons in life to the art of making wine. So much of that book came flooding back to me and gave me the peace it did when I read it. I have been planted but not buried (p.32) . It may be dark, lonely, and I can’t see what’s going on, but it has purpose and is not forever.

I felt pressed by the Holy Spirit that in my bitterness, I was not growing where I was planted and I was wasting my wait.

So, now what? Where does that leave us? Where do we go from here?

For me, that looks like taking the time and energy to be creative and pursue different things when I’m tired and would rather veg out on my phone or watch TV. It means being intentional with my time, even if I think I don’t have enough time to actually accomplish what I need to accomplish. When you’re pregnant, tired, and don’t feel the best, this feels like a lot. But there are no convenient times.

Are you finding yourself longing for what’s behind or what’s ahead because you don’t like where you are? Did this year not go the way you thought? Does your life not look the way you thought it would? Perhaps you have been planted and not buried.

“Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” – John 12:24 NIV

I urge you not to wait. Don’t waste your wait. Don’t become impatient. Don’t be bitter because of what you think could have been. Take what you have (It might not be much but we all have something) and use what you have to move forward with God. January 1st or not, your new life, new perspective, new habits, and hope can start today.