You may have heard me talk about being an all or nothing kind of person. Go big or go home. My all or nothing mindset is partly how God made me. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to go all in, but at times, this has been rooted in pride, fear of failure, and unrealistic expectations.
This has gotten me in trouble in several areas of my life, which I will probably share with you over time, but one area I did not expect was in Motherhood. Everyone says having a baby will change your life and raising children will be one of the hardest things you ever do, so when I was pregnant with Lucy I read books and articles on childbirth, nursing, sleep training, and more. I remember texting my mom, desperate for sleep and sanity, when Lucy was only a few days old and asked how long she waited to give my brother or me a pacifier. (I was convinced this would somehow impact our breastfeeding journey, would become a sleep prop, and would eventually ruin all of our lives forever.) I was surprised when my mom responded, “With your brother, as soon as we hit the hospital lobby on our way home.” A pacifier didn’t solve all our woes as new parents to a fussy baby, but we found, Lucy really liked to self-soothe and it made our lives so much easier. Once I started giving us some grace and wiggle room, the weight of the world seemed to be lifted off my shoulders.
Despite this, there were still so many things in motherhood I thought would look differently due to my unrealistic expectations. I wanted to wait until Lucy was six months old to start solids for a few different reasons. I had this idea in my head that since I’m a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM), I could “handle it”, and I would be saving us money, I would make all homemade, organic baby food. What I failed to notice was Lucy turned six months old during the month of December. We had four out of town Christmases as well as an out of town wedding three days before Christmas Day. I was completely overwhelmed with our schedule anyways, but felt like a complete failure when I realized I did not have the time or energy to make and pack homemade, organic baby food for all of our travels that month.
While beating myself up, I felt what could only be the Holy Spirit (because I am not the best at giving myself grace), ask “Who told you to make homemade, organic baby food and you would be a bad mother if you didn’t?” I realized no one had told me that and if someone told one of my friends that I would console them and tell them how ridiculous that is. So why did I have a different standard for myself? I realized instead of finding what worked for our family, I was comparing myself to all of these other moms who were “just as busy” if not “busier” than me and wondered if they could do it, why couldn’t I?
It never occurred to me that maybe those moms weren’t traveling as much as I was. Maybe those moms actually LIKED being in the kitchen (while I don’t mind making dinner, unless I’m decorating cupcakes or eating, I don’t find reasons to spend anymore time than I have to in there.) And maybe, just MAYBE it didn’t matter what “those other moms” were doing anyways.
What I can control is my perspective and finding the right rhythm and God ordained path for MY family and that may look completely different than anyone else’s.
I wish I could say this was a one time issue for me, but it’s not. My unrealistic expectations have seeped into my relationship with my husband, how I parent Lucy, the state of our house, and what I think I can accomplish during Lucy’s nap time. 🙈
I’m a work-in-progress, but the older I get and the further into this motherhood journey I go, the more I realize unrealistic expectations and my all or nothing mentality NEEDS. TO. DIE. I can’t do it all. No one is ACTUALLY doing it all, and even if they were, YOU NEED TO DO WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
My family suffers more when I’m trying to do it all and can’t, when I’m trying to live up to unrealistic expectations I put on myself, inevitably fail, and exhaust and depress myself in the process. My family suffers more from that than they do from the handprint and dog nose smudges that will mark our windows and mirrors for years to come, or the unhealthy pizza or takeout we order once a week, or the whatever you’re telling yourself you can or can’t tolerate to be a “good wife” or “good mom”.
I live by to do lists. It’s how I stay motivated, organized, and how I accomplish anything. But my and my family’s health, sanity, and happiness trumps items being crossed off my to do list. Now am I saying, never clean your house again or never cook healthy, nutrient dense meals for your family or don’t worry about paying bills, just play with your kids all day? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But if you are constantly feeling depleted, constantly feeling like you’re failing, and you are showing up angry, defeated, and fatigued for your family, it may be time to take inventory. What can you let go of? Are there unrealistic expectations weighing you down? It may be time to extend some grace to yourself.
I can 1000% tell you, when Lucy was trying solids, she didn’t think “my mom doesn’t love me enough to make baby food from scratch”, she thought 1) I LOVE BUTTERNUT SQUASH and 2) I like laughing and enjoying this time with my mom (she’s a foodie like her parents and we enjoy having meals together!) Your little one doesn’t see the items on your to do list that didn’t get crossed off or the social media posts from other moms and their organic food and sensory activity packed day to advance their little Einstein 8 milestones ahead of any other baby on the planet. Your little one sees YOU, you’re their safe place, the one who cuddles them when they don’t feel good, and who laughs and plays with them. They love you.
You can do this, Mama! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Give yourself some grace and tell those unrealistic expectations where to go!