Wind and Rain

It rained and hailed the day of our family photos. First world problems, right?

Some might blame pregnancy hormones (among other stressors we’ve been facing), but as usual, my frustration was fueled by something unrelated.

Surely, the Lord knew our friends drove from over two hours away to take our photos and that doing family photos before baby was literally given to me during my quiet time with the Lord months prior. The forecast for that weekend was discouraging but I knew I served a big God and controlling the wind and rain was easy for Him.

The morning of our photos I did “my part”, planned the morning down to the minute (with wiggle room) to get everyone ready and anything we MIGHT need packed in the car. I constantly checked the forecast and thanked the Lord the rain was supposed to hold off until after noon (our photos were around 10/10:30).

As we headed to the park I chose in a nearby suburb, with our friends following behind, it began to sprinkle. Christian was not the least bit rattled but I was getting stressed and nervous.

We arrived to the park and our friends were optimistic that they could make it work (they are pros and phased by nothing!). But as we started getting the kids out of the car it started raining really hard AND HAILING!

We got back in the car and waited a little but decided just to head back to our house.

A little rain never hurt anyone, but as we drove away I felt completely discouraged, defeated, and a little betrayed. How could God let me down like this? After all, family photos before baby was HIS idea.

As I said earlier, there was a bigger issue at hand that surfaced later. And unfortunately, took longer for me to completely surrender to the Lord than I would like to admit.

When I am physically strong, I FEEL emotionally and mentally strong, but the further I get into this pregnancy, the more curveballs have come my way. March began with the discovery of a possible hernia and needing to modify my forms of exercise and what I can literally do/accomplish in a given day without making things worse and unleashing some excruciating pain. Mid-April brought on some financial news we were not expecting. Late April into May was marked with a baby who wasn’t head down. (I write this now still without confirmation that he is, but praying and believing that is the case).

I hope this will change with time and maturity, but the more out of control things seem, the more unsteady I can feel. When my health was great and I was jogging 2-3 days a week, I actually felt more confident and had more faith that God would bring me through this pregnancy with fewer hurdles, a shorter, less difficult labor and better delivery and recovery. But as my body has continuously felt as though it’s getting weaker and more broken down, the less and less I can believe God will just be with me, let alone provide a better outcome.

So as we drove away in the rain that morning, I felt if God wouldn’t even hold off the rain for 30 minutes (or until the afternoon like the forecast said), then how would He be with me through the rest of this pregnancy, labor, delivery, and recovery? How would He provide for us (for the promises HE SAID) with our sudden change in circumstances?

It took about a full week of the Lord working on my heart, but I finally got to a place where I not only realized I was basing my faith off of past experiences (not childlike faith) and have boxed God in and believe, not necessarily that He CAN’T but that He WON’T come through on His promises and He WON’T flip this baby and provide a better experience than last time.

Breaking agreements with these lies have been tough, but the freedom found in Jesus through surrender is indescribable. Repenting of agreement with these lies, asking and receiving forgiveness and replacing those lies with truth has been transforming. There is nothing my God cannot do! But the beauty of surrender and trust is that it doesn’t just give you the faith to believe for better, but it gives you the faith and trust in God that brings peace that surpasses all understanding. A peace and trust that says, “Lord, I am yours. I love you and trust you. Your will and your way.”

I don’t know what the future holds. None of us do. But after surrendering, I can now let go and stop trying to “do my part.” That is not an excuse to be ill-prepared, lazy, or negligent, but surrender now allows God’s power to be at work and be glorified.

If you are hardhearted, discouraged, sick of trying so hard, and gripping so tightly to the tiny shreds of control you think you may have, I urge you to stop boxing God in, surrender all to Him, and walk forward in His freedom and peace.